Friday, August 23, 2019


     Seriously.  What is it about snoring?  Tell me if this scene is too far off…  TV is humming with the Sunday Night Football game or Netflix.  Name your program... 
“Why’d you wake me up?” says I, having the nap of my life.
“You were snoring.” says my better 2/3's with a sour look on her face.
“I wasn’t snoring.  I don’t snore.  Can’t a guy get a nap around here?” my standard response...
     Now this conversation can be a bit more hostile, it can happen across the globe in the 7,100 different  languages we have on this planet, it can happen at absolutely any time of day or night, it can happen on any mode of transportation.  It happens, period.  End of sentence.
     As Joe Friday would say on Drag Net “Just the facts Ma’am, just the facts.”  The cold, hard, unabashed fact is;  YOU SNORE.  Period.  If you're a prolific  log sawing Slumberjack your family has pictures, recordings, You Tube Video’s to prove it.  By Gawd, some of you are paint peeling, curtain ripping, freight train imitating snoring machines!
     Yes, there are some who are afflicted with deviated septum’s, sleep apnea, 18 months old’s with colic, all conditions rendering such room shaking noises.  But the rest of you?  No excuses!
     No really, what is it that we’re all afraid of?  This is a natural, and in some cases, a musical occurrence.  No joke, we have a regular Mr. Holland’s Opus in G Minor going in the living room after the tryptophan kicks in on Thanksgiving Day afternoon.  Have at it, belt it out!
     We shy away from boasting secretly knowing we are absolutely guilty.  Perhaps you have your own theory, but I tend to think it’s the vulnerability of being unconscious and having people staring at you with utter contempt, loathing, and a myriad of “How can he snore so loud and not wake himself up’s?” 
                Shouldn’t we treat our delightfully cute “heavy breathing” with more respect?  This natural phenonium of beauty is the eldest child in a family of three.  
     The middle child can be worn as a badge of honor though  A prolific example is the second graders back arching, gut-wrenching buuuuurrrrp in the lunchroom.  In some scenarios this auditory delight becomes somewhat of a competition.  As a matter of fact, in various countries, belching is a sign to the hostess with the mostess that he or she put on a superb culinary extravaganza.  
     The baby of the family?  Well that's the room clearing odiferous triumph we all share (or most of us) with our families and best buddies.  Now this natural sound of the human condition is often celebrated by the perpetrator.  The rest of its victims?  Not so much.  That’s just rude buddy.  Step outside with the smokers if you’re going to do that!
                Oh, but what about the clatter you are peacefully making while counting sheep, scoring the Stanley Cup Winning goal in overtime, or standing naked in front of a crowd ready to give a speech? Be proud of your cacophony!  It’s truly a miraculous thing to scare babies, embarrass loved ones, or get smothered by the closest pillow while you’re in lala land.
                I believe it’s time we Own this natural act.  Let’s change the way this country thinks Folks! 
Are you with me?  Let’s do it!