Monday, September 24, 2018

Passwords and Heaven

Passwords and Heaven

Seriously, What if, I mean What If getting into Heaven was as easy as remembering your Password?  Just to make those shimmering Pearly Gates crack open, all you have to do is remember your Password.  You know, the one with one capital letter, two numbers, a special character and the answer to a riddle worthy of “Indian Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  Yea that Password.
The hours I have personally spent tormenting my family with the modern-day question “What’s the password?” to…  our home internet, my own cellphone, the itunes account, amazon, my personal email.  Shall I go on?  Oh, I forgot the internet in the new car, the Kroger Card account, the bank account, Venmo, Somebody Stop Me!

Are you freaking kidding me?  I remember the 12 months of the year, my times tables, the entire Soviet Army Order of Battle, my wife’s Social Security number, no wait, still don’t know that one.  But for the love of Peter, how many things have do we to remember and memorize over the course of a lifetime?  For God’s sake, I have a Master’s Degree, graduated from the U.S. Army Flight School, know a boat load of songs and prays.  So why the Hell can’t I remember my freaking Password?  It alludes me on a daily basis (and most of you) just like that elusive unicorn... the winning lottery ticket.
So going back a few years when email and such were just becoming a thang, a good friend of mine said “Oh my God, how many times can you type in your kids names?”.  Oh, how prophetic that one little group of words became.  For over the course of my electronic lifetime I have used my kids names, my wife’s name, my dogs names, my birthday, their birthdays, Password, drowssap, 123-456,  my favorite sports teams, horses who have won the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Bellmont, the Soap Box Derby!  Somebody STOP ME!  For all things holy, it’s only eight (8) characters!

So I can see it now.  There I am, all spiffed up having left my earthly body far behind, ready to punch in my Password to get into Heaven, Nirvana, the Great Beyond.  I see St. Peter in the guard tower by the passgate looking down upon my wretched soul waiting to see if I’ll pass the test.
“How may I help you.?”  Says St. Peter himself.

“I’d like to enter my password St. Peter, for entrance into the eternal Land of Milk and Honey.”
“Just punch it into the keypad right there in from of you Mark.  Don’t forget you only get three tries.”  Says he.

So my shaking finger slowly, but confidently I might add, slowly pushes in THE PASSWORD.
“Jesusis#1”….  “Nice try, but that’s nine characters.” Says The Lion.

“Very nice Mark, but you’ve used two special characters.”  Peter retorts.

“Hey! You got it!!, awesome job."

"Now what’s you’re Username?”